Baked Beans Midwestern Style

There are two kinds of people in the world, at least when it comes to baked beans. You either like them Boston style, or you like them “saucy.” There are, I suppose, people who are somewhere in between. To them I say, grow a set and make up your mind! It like the 11% of people surveyed leaving a movie theater. 62% of them liked the movie they just paid $11.00 to see. 27% didn’t like it and 11% are “undecided.” Whatever.  If you're an 11%'er, next time, tell them the movie sucked, the direction was poor and the actors seemed to be on drugs.  Big secret?  They really don't care.  Police Academy III was proof of this.

But, anyway, if you grew up in the Midwest, chances are, you might just be a saucy bean fan. Van Camps, with its one elusive chunk of thick cut bacon per can. Another more current favorite is Bush’s. Brown sugar makes it tastier than the tomato sauce based Van Camps, but there is still the one chunk of bacon per can. Boston style is just too dry for my tastes. I’m a loutish pagan, what can I say?

But if you’re in my camp then you might want to try your hand at making your own version of the saucy beans. You don’t have to copy this recipe slavishly. Branch out, experiment!  All this does is give you a really yummy place to start.

Soak one pound of northern beans in 8 cups of cold water, overnight. Yes, this is one of “those recipes” but there is some fun stuff to do today.

Chop four to six slices of thick cut bacon into nibbles. What’s a nibble? How the hell should I know? I once stuffed a whole brownie in my mouth with a slice of sharp cheddar cheese in the middle. Yes, I know, if it wasn’t for the neighborhood bullies I had to run from constantly as a kid, I would have weighed 260 lbs at my high school graduation. Point is, a nibble is whatever you want it to be. You’re cookin’ this.

While that is cooking (to tenderr, not to crispy) in your pot, add two thick slices of sweet onion, chopped fine. I use a slam chopper. No more tears, just like my shampoo. Add a teaspoon of minced garlic, a teaspoon of your favorite mustard (I used sweet Bavarian) a tablespoon of Apple Cider vinegar (Balsamic also works), a tablespoon of Worcestershire Sauce (I hope you’re stirring this over low heat), 1/4 teaspoon of Turmeric (I don’t know why, maybe just to make people think you’re really good at this), 1/4 cup of packed brown sugar and a 1/4 teaspoon of liquid smoke.  A buddy of mine adds two joints of finely chopped southern leaf to this, but hey, you're eating baked beans here.  Do you really want to end up with the munchies after you've had the beans?

Keep stirring occasionally over low heat for a few minutes. Now, while you are pouring yourself two fingers of brown liquor over ice, (the mark of a true food wrangler) add a tablespoon of brown liquor to your sauce. No, not brandy. If you drink brandy, you’re probably not into baked beans anyway. I used 16 year old Bushmills Single Malt Irish Whiskey. (Look, bite me, okay? My wife gets it for me because she thinks I’m the cat’s ass, for some reason, but then,she's incredibly kind). I would have used Jack Daniels, but I’m out right now.

Now let that simmer, covered, for about 5-10 minutes after adding half a cup of water. By the way, if you don’t drink your tap water because of a heavy mineral taste, don’‘t use it in your cooking as if it doesn’t matter. It does.

Take the sauce off the heat, let it cool and refrigerate over night. Tomorrow, about half an hour before bean time, you will drain and rinse the beans, add them to the sauce with a half stick of butter (oh, wait, I forgot, you still think you’re gonna get out of here alive, don’cha, you poor deluded bugger?  Wrong!!   Go for it, live a little!!) and stir over low heat until the sauce and beans are throughly mixed. No more than 15 minutes.

Serve the beans with whatever (I did them with pulled pork on fresh homemade bread, layered over coleslaw with a slice of pineapple on top - a tip from Boo's cousin, Kevin.  Yeahhhh, Kevin!!). Okay, that’s a starting point. Now go do better and report back (I know you can).